More Funny One-Liners From TV's Seinfeld

Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

George: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

Elaine: You'd better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg!

Kramer: The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was.

Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.


Elaine: The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.
.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.

Kramer: How do you like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years.

George: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

Elaine: Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

George: Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.

Funny Chris Rock Jokes

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."

"If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner."

:"I'm in show business...I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson."

"Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing."

"You don't pay taxes, they take taxes."

"Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club."

"You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems."

"There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is 'I'm strippin' to pay my tuition.' No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology."

"Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!"

"I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car."

"You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

Bill Murray Quotes

"There's not much downside to being rich, other than paying taxes and having your relatives ask you for money. But when you become famous, you end up with a twenty-four hour job."

"Groundhog Day was one of the greatest scripts ever written. It didn't even get nominated for an Academy Award."

"No one really wants to admit they are lonely, and it is never really addressed very much between friends and family. But I have felt lonely many times in my life."



"I've had some success in movies, so I really don't think about success. You like to have it, but I'm not desperate for it."

"Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time."

"The first forty-five minutes of the original Ghostbusters is some of the funniest stuff ever made. The second one was disappointing because the special effects guys took over. I had something like two scenes and they're the only funny ones in the movie."

"I don't have a problem talking about my work, but I don't make a habit of talking about myself. There are people who are obsessed with information about my life, what clothes I'm wearing and what my exercise regime is. I'm not interested in that."

"The studios don't seem to foster good writing. They're not so interested in that, but they're more interested in what worked most recently."

"The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything. The better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself."

David Letterman Jokes

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."

"I love autumn in New York. The yellows, the browns and the rust...and that's just the drinking water."

"I cannot sing, dance or act. What else would I be but a talk show host."


"A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don't think there will be a second date."

"If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever."

"It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said."

"New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."

"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."

"We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting foo."

"There is no off position on the genius switch."

Funny Jerry Seinfeld Jokes

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV"

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here, they are here to replace us."

"Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."



"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom."

"If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?"

"The four levels of comedy: make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh and make people talk like you because it's so much fun."

"I don't like great restaurants. I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special put them on the menu. I don't want any auditioning foods. When they make the real show, then I will eat them."

"I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular sized and my muscles are huge."

"The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy."

Woody Allen Quotes

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? in that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose."

"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."



"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."

"I have never been an intellectual, but I have this look."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"I took a speed reading course and read War And Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

"In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

John Cleese Quotes

"The only way I can get a leading man role is if I write it."

"I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire and that's to get rid of all my other desires."

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me."

"If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth."

"I can do anything I want, I'm eccentric!"



"I'm struck by how laughter connects you with people. It's almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy."

"You go in and meet the head of BBC one and get an assurance about not dumbing down. And then, of course, a few months later he's been replaced by someone you haven't met."

"Basil Fawlty was an easy character for me. For some reason, portraying a mean uptight incompetent bully comes naturally to me."

"I don't miss London much. I find it crowded, vast and difficult to get around. Cabs are incredibly expensive."

"Filming is like a long air journey: there's so much hanging around and boredom that they keep giving you food."

"A man will give up almost anything except his suffering."

"I can never do better than Fawlty Towers whatever I do."

"He who laughs most, learns best."

Funny Conan O'Brien Jokes

"If you laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk."

"There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more."

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. No one in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there."

"I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."

"It's not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that's why I left NBC."

"I'm not comfortable with my own body. I shower with my clothes on."

"There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized."

"My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point."

"I've dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46."

"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."

"When all else fails there's always delusion."

Eddie Murphy Quotes

"I'd Like to produce, direct, write, score and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did."

"I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does."

"I'm relaxed about my career. I've been making movies for over 20 years, so I've earned  at least the right to relax."

"I've made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I've mostly been successful."

"You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don't work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won't work."

"In reality, all men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives trying to create a masterpiece."

"If you went to my house, you'd see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence."

"The only reason I did Showtime was Robert De Niro. I definitely consider him to be in the top five all time best actors."

"I would love to be in one of those Batman movies. Jim Carrey did the Riddler once and he did a wonderful job. Egghead, I could be Egghead."

"I know what I'm capable of doing and what I'm capable of not doing. To be perfectly honest, I'm a little afraid of doing a straight dramatic film. I'm not saying I couldn't do it. I'm saying I'm afraid to. Everybody is afraid of failure."

"Think of all the people who came off that show. I bet you could figure out the combined grosses of people who came off Saturday Night Live in the movies; me, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Mike Myers, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd. I bet it's $15 billion."

Funny Adam Sandler Quotes

"My name is Adam Sandler. I'm not particularly talented. I'm not particularly good-looking. And yet I'm a multi-millionaire."

"I've been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I'm driving, I hear I'm a moron. I like being a moron."

"Now that I'm a parent, I understand why my father was in a bad mood a lot."

"A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I've always worked hard."

"Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it."

"I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing Maria from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up."

"I do love the films I've done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we're trying to make people laugh and I'm very proud of that."

"I definitely connected to the fact that life gets out of control and you end up doing things and wishing you were doing other things instead."

"I've always had lots of friends and my house was the house they all hung out at."

"I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience."

"If I do die, it'll be in America. And it won't be on a snowboard. It'll either be on a toilet or hanging from a belt, naked."

Tina Fey Quotes

"Somewhere around the 5th or 7th grade, I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me, but after awhile it became part of my identity."

"I'm not that good looking, nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen."



"You can't be that kid standing at the top of the water slide, over-thinking it. You have to go down the chute."

"You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at."

"It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film."

"When a man plays a woman in a dress, you're halfway there. It's inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it's not that instant kind of funny."

"A Harvard medical school study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss."

"If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs."

"Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion."

"I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement."

"I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math."

"I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey."

Grouch Marx Quotes

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you're got it made."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

Music Artists That Altered Their Name After Becoming Big

Prince: Due to a dispute with his former record label, Prince began releasing albums under a new "name". He changed his name to just a symbol and since there was no pronunciation for it, he became referred to as " The Artist Formally Known As Prince". Later he wisely changed his name back to Prince.

Grand Funk: Originally calling themselves Grand Funk Railroad, They dropped "Railroad" from their name after a legal dispute with an ex manager.

Chicago: The band released their first album under the name "The Chicago Transit Authority" but shortened their name to just Chicago after being sued by the actual Chicago transit authority.

Jefferson Airplane: They went from Jefferson Airplane to Jefferson Starship to just Starship, then the original members reunited and began calling themselves Jefferson Airplane Again. Why not, it wasn't being used.

Matchbox Twenty: Originally called Matchbox 20, but changed name to Matchbox Twenty because they felt there were too many bands with numbers in their names (i.e. Blink 182, Sum 41...)

John Mellencamp: Released albums under the names Johnny Cougar and John Cougar because his management felt Mellencamp would be too hard to sell. Became John Cougar Mellencamp on 1983's "Uh-Huh" and finally just John Mellencamp on 1991's "Whenever We Want".

Sean Combs: Changes his name every other week it seems; has been known as Puff Daddy, Puffy, Puff, P. Diddy, Diddy and even "Swag?"

Great Steven Wright Jokes

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."


"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right."

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

"I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time."

"Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?"

"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it."

"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

The Eleven Films Of Grace Kelly

Grace Kelly is one of the most famous actresses in Hollywood history. One of the top box office draws of the fifties and an Academy Award winner. What many people may not realise is that she had a very short career in movies. Only eleven films in five years. On April 18th, 1956 she married Prince Rainier III of Monaco, just over five years after making her big screen debut. She never made another movie. Here is a quick look at the eleven films she did make:

Fourteen Hours (1951): Film debut, directed by Henry Hathaway.

High Noon (1952): Western starring Gary Cooper (who won the Academy Award for Best Actor). Considered one of the greatest westerns ever made.

Mogambo (1953): Clark Gable and Ava Gardner co-star in the remake of 1932's Red Dust (also starring Clark Gable). Grace was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar.

Dial M For Murder (1954): First of three films with director Alfred Hitchcock.

Rear Window (1954): Classic Hitchcock thriller co-starring James Stewart. One of the top box office hits of 1954.

The Country Girl (1954): Grace won the Best Actress Oscar for this film co-starring Bing Crosby and William Holden.

Green Fire (1954): One of Grace's lesser known hits.

The Bridges At Toko-Ri (1954): Grace re-teams with William Holden in this movie based on a James Michener novel.

To Catch A Thief (1955): The movie that brought Cary Grant out of retirement and the third (and last) Hitchcock production.

The Swan (1956): Released the same day as her wedding to Prince Rainier.

High Society (1956): Grace Kelly's last film before she became Princess of Monaco. Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra co-star.

Great Bette Davis Quotes

"Until you're known in my profession as a monster, you're not a star.

"There was more good acting at Hollywood parties than ever appeared on the screen."

"Success only breeds a new goal."

"I always had the will to win. I felt it baking cookies. They had to be the best cookies anyone baked."

"People often become actresses because of something they dislike about themselves. They pretend they are someone else."

"I survived because I was tougher than anybody else."

"Everybody has a heart. Except some people."

"I've always liked men better than women."

"The only reason anyone goes to Broadway is because they can't get work in the movies."

"I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box."

"I never did pal around with actresses. Their talk usually bored me to tears."

"When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch."

"I've always liked men better than women."

"I will never be below the title."

"I am just too much."

Mel Gibson Quotes

"I'll always continue to work. I've never much depended on anyone but myself."

"It's all happening too fast. I've got to put the brakes on or I'll smack into something."

"I love women, they're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine."



"You can't live up to what people expect. Nobody can. But I guess that's my problem, not theirs."

"My biggest weakness is that I'm excessive. Fortunately for everyone concerned, I'm not as excessive as I used to be."

"I'd like to be able to wake up early every morning, but I don't. I'd like to quit smoking. I'd like to never lose my temper. The list goes on and on."

"I don't make things complicated, that's the way they get all by themselves."

"Obviously, nobody wants to touch something filmed in two dead languages. They think I'm crazy, and maybe I am. But maybe I'm a genius."

"I am politically incorrect, that's true. Political correctness to me is just intellectual terrorism. I find that really scary, and I won't be intimidated into changing my mind. Everyone isn't going to love you all the time."

"I did a lot of crazy things, so I'm surprised to be alive."

"I'm not a done deal. I'm a work in progress. I'm still extremely flawed."