"If you laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.""There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more."
"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. No one in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there."
"I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."
"It's not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that's why I left NBC."
"I'm not comfortable with my own body. I shower with my clothes on."
"There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized."
"My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point."
"I've dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46."
"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."
"When all else fails there's always delusion."
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