"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV"
"Make no mistake about why these babies are here, they are here to replace us."
"Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built."
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom."
"If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?"
"The four levels of comedy: make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh and make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
"I don't like great restaurants. I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special put them on the menu. I don't want any auditioning foods. When they make the real show, then I will eat them."
"I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular sized and my muscles are huge."
"The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy."