"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.""Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
"I asked my good friend Arnold Palmer how I could improve my game, he advised me to cheat."
"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I have performed for twelve presidents and entertained six."
"Your ignorance cramps my conversation."
"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."
"Three of my stocks went off the financial page, into the help wanted section."
"I'm an international player. I can say `shank' in twenty-seven languages."
"I don't like political jokes. I have seen too many of them get elected."
"I though 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe."
"The girls call me pilgrim, because every time I dance with one I make a little progress."
"You and me could make music together. Right now I feel like the philharmonic."
"It's nights like these that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this."
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