Great Bob Hope Jokes

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

"I asked my good friend Arnold Palmer how I could improve my game, he advised me to cheat."

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."



"I have performed for twelve presidents and entertained six."

"Your ignorance cramps my conversation."

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

"Three of my stocks went off the financial page, into the help wanted section."

"I'm an international player. I can say `shank' in twenty-seven languages."

"I don't like political jokes. I have seen too many of them get elected."

"I though 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe."

"The girls call me pilgrim, because every time I dance with one I make a little progress."

"You and me could make music together. Right now I feel like the philharmonic."

"It's nights like these that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this."

Spotlight On Walt Disney

Full Name: Walter Elias Disney

Birth Place: Chicago, Ill.

First Job: Paper boy

First Mickey Mouse Cartoon: Steamboat Willie (Nov. 18, 1928)

First Appearance Of Donald Duck: The Wise Little Hen (June 9, 1934)



First Full Length Animated Film: Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs (1937)

First Full Length Non-Animated Film: Treasure Island (1950)


Academy Awards: 59 nominations, 22 wins (both records)

First Academy Award Win: Flowers And Trees (1932)

TV Debut: Disneyland (Oct. 27, 1954)

Little Known Facts: A member of a Red Cross unit with Ray Kroc, the future founder of McDonald's.

Strangest Rumour: Walt's body was Cryogenically frozen.

Famous Quote: "If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse."

Funny One-Liners From TV's Seinfeld

George: It's not a lie, if you believe it.

Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Kramer: You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is this mouth vacuum thing for real?

Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.

Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble, I know that going in.

Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Elaine: He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.

George: The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

Kramer: I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems.

Jerry: You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.

George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

Jerry: He'a a male bimbo, He's a mimbo.

Kramer: She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.

Unlikely Hollywood Couples

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher (2003 - 2011): Despite their 16 year age difference, the relationship lasted eight years (they were married for six). That's impressive for a Hollywood couple (especially if one of them is Ashton Kutcher).

Julia Roberts & Lyle Lovett (1993 - 1995): It was a whirlwind romance and marriage for the box office beauty and the country crooner that caught everyone by surprise. Not as surprising, they were divorced less than two years later.

Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton (1999 - 2002): Did they really wear vials of each others blood around their necks? Who knows? The marriage last only three years.

Jane Fonda & Ted Turner (1989 - 2001): This relationship seems unlikely only in that it is between two opinionated, overachieving and larger than life  alpha celebrities. Still, the marriage lasted 12 years.

Madonna & Warren Beatty (1988 - 1991): Everybody else dated Warren Beatty, why shouldn't Madonna? Beatty was a movie superstar but he never seemed to crave attention, while Madge craves nothing more.

Barbra Streisand & Pierre Trudeau (1970 - 1971): Barbra Streisand, first lady of Canada? Probably not, but the two dated during the early seventies, so you never know.

Heather Locklear & David Spade (2006): Spade was Heather's rebound guy after her divorce from Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora. Way to go David.

Diana Ross & Gene Simmons (1979 - 1980): The queen of Motown dating the demon from Kiss? Strange but true. Supposedly Diana was madly in love with Gene but he would not stop his womanizing, so she ended the  relationship. Sounds like a familiar Hollywood story.

Lisa Marie Presley & Michael Jackson (1994 - 1996): True love or publicity stunt? Everyone has their own opinion, but either way the marriage lasted only two years.

Drew Barrymore & Tom Green (1999 - 2002): Drew was a fan of the Tom Green show and cast him in a small part in the movie Charlie's Angels (which she produced). The two fell in love, got married, escaped a house fire, got divorced. You know, the usual Hollywood love affair.

Great Quotes About The Beatles

Timothy Leary: I declare that the Beatles are mutants. Prototypes of evolutionary agents sent by God, endowed with a mysterious power to create a new human species, a young race of laughing freemen.

Bob Dylan: They were doing things nobody was doing. Their chords were outrageous, just outrageous, and their harmonies made it all valid. I knew they were pointing the direction of where music had to go.

Billy Joel: The Beatles were the band that made me realise it was possible to make a living as a musician. When I heard the Beatles, I said "that's what I want to do".

Gene Simmons: The Beatles were a band, of course, and I loved their music. But they were also a cultural force that made it OK to be different. They didn't look like everyone else, and they still made the girls scream.

Dave Grohl: The three of us (Nirvana) grew up listening to the Beatles, then classic rock and punk. Somehow it all came together.

Liam Gallagher: I love the Beatles. What more can I say? I'm not gonna lie to you. They make me happy. And I think they were the best, and still are.

Steven Spielberg: I resented the Beatles at first because it wasn't a fad I discovered for myself. I wasn't a Beatles fan until I listen to the White Album and became an instant convert.

Leonard Bernstein: Three bars of A Day In The Life still sustain me, rejuvenate me, inflame my senses and sensibilities.

Johnny Ramone: my favorite artists have always been Elvis and the Beatles, and they still are.

Roger Daltrey: All you could do was to see them. We were backstage when the Beatles were on and you could just about hear a noise. It was just literally screaming.

Steven Spielberg's Biggest Films

E.T. The Extra-Terrestial (1982): An alien botanist gets stranded on earth and befriended by a ten year old boy. This film introduced the world to Drew Barrymore and made Reese's Pieces candy wildly popular. E.T. became the most successful movie ever made, surpassing Star Wars. It is currently still one of the top ten grossing films with 435m

Jurassic Park (1993): Based on the novel by Michael Crichton (The Andromeda Strain, Disclosure) about scientist who clone dinosaurs for public viewing. Of course anything that can go wrong does, with Sam Neil and Jeff Goldblum there to save the day. With 357m it is the fourth highest grossing film of the 1990's.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008): The long awaited fourth instalment in the Indiana Jones series. Harrison Ford is back as Indy and Shia Labeouf is added as his son. Critics and fans were lukewarm on the movie but it still made over 317m.

Jaws (1975): This is the film that put Spielberg on the map and changed the way movies were made. Hollywood was already flirting with the concept of blockbusters (Airport, Poseidon Adventure), Jaws and Star Wars made them mandatory and created the summer movie season. The movie made 260m at the box office and became the highest grossing film of all-time (the first time Spielberg managed this feat).

Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981): Spielberg teams up with George Lucas to create one of the most enduring characters in film history. Harrison Ford stars as archaeologist Indian Jones, a role he would reprise two more times during the 80's. Making 248m this is the most successful of the three original movies.

War Of The Worlds (2005): A remake of H.G. wells' novel starring Tom Cruise. This film is notable because Cruise had his infamous couch jumping incident on the Oprah Winfrey show while doing promotion This was Spielberg and Cruise's second film together, the first being Minority Report (2002). The two haven't worked together since. War Of The Worlds made 234m making it the fourth biggest film of 2005.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997): Sequel to Jurassic Park also based on a novel by Michael Crichton. This time Jeff Goldblum takes center stage and Vince Vaughn is added for comedic relief. Besides the Jurassic Park films, Spielberg and Crichton also collaborated on the TV series ER. With 229m at the box office, the sequel paled compared to the original.

Saving Private Ryan (1998): Tom Hanks stars in Spielberg's World War II film about the invasion of Normandy. The two were friends and had worked together on the films The Money Pit (1986) and Joe Versus The Volcano (1990). This was the first time Spielberg actually directed Hanks in a movie. They went on to collaborate on the movies Catch Me If You Can (2002) and The Terminal (2004), and the TV series Band Of Brothers (2001) and The Pacific (2010). This movie made 216m.

Tribute To Jimi Hendrix

Famous rock stars comment on Jimi Hendrix.

Carl Wilson (Beach Boys): I thought Jimi Hendrix was just phenomenal.

Freddie Mercury: Jimi Hendrix is very important. He's my idol. He sort of epitomizes, from his presentation on stage, the whole works of a rock star. There's no way you can compare him. You either have the magic or you don't. There's no way you can work up to it. There's nobody who can take his place.

LL Cool J: I was listening to Jimi Hendrix. I just admire his artistry and creativity as an artist.

Joe Satriani: I started out playing guitar because Jimi Hendrix was my hero, so my roots were really based on Jimi Hendrix and his style of playing.

Stevie Nicks: We opened for Jimi Hendrix. I got to stand on the side of the stage and watch him for two hours and then he died. But I got the essence before they left.

Perry Farrell (Jane's Addiction): Jimi Hendrix's music was escapism.

Eric Clapton: When I saw Jimi Hendrix I knew immediately that this guy was the real thing. And when he played it was like a rough sketch of what he was going to become. This guy was our generation, and he wasn't in a suit.

Frank Zappa: Hendrix is one of the most revolutionary figures in today's pop culture, musically and sociologically.

Dave Navarro (Jane's Addiction): The most influential person in my life, other than my parents.

George Benson: It's amazing the power of Jimi Hendrix's legacy. When I heard him do the national anthem I thought, wow, what a genius.

Keith Richards: Everybody else just screwed it up, and thought wailing away is the answer. But it ain't; you've got to be a Jimi to do that, you've got to be one of the special cats.

Best James Bond Quotes

Dr. No (1962): Honey: Are you looking for shells too? Bond: No I'm just looking.

Goldfinger (1964): Bond: Do you expect me to talk? Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.

Thunderball (1965): Bond: Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead.

You Only Live Twice (1967): Bond: Oh the things I do for England.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969): George Lazenby as Bond: This never happened to the other fellow.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971): Tiffany: I'll finish dressing. Bond: Oh please don't, not on my account.

The Man With The Golden Gun (1974): Bond: Who'd want to put a contract on me? M: Jealous husbands, outraged chefs, humiliated tailors. The list is endless.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977): Log Cabin Girl: But James, I Need You! Bond: So does England.

Moonraker (1979): Holly Goodhead: You know him? Bond: Not socially. His name's Jaws, he kills people.

Octopussy (1983): Bond: What's that? Magda: That's my little octopussy.

Goldeneye (1995): Xenia: You don't need the gun. Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997): Bond: I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.

The World Is Not Enough (1999): Bond: If you can't trust a Swiss banker, then what's the world coming to?

Die Another Day (2002): Bond: You know, you're cleverer than you look. Q: Still, better than looking cleverer than you are.

Biggest Selling Beatles Solo Albums

1. All Things Must Pass - George Harrison (1970): George's first post Beatles solo album is this sprawling three record set released in November of 1970. It is his magnum opus, and at six million sold, it is also the biggest selling album put out by any of the ex Beatles. Many famous musicians appear on this record, including Eric Clapton, Gary Wright, Klaus Voorman, Ringo Starr, Billy Preston, Alan White (Yes) and Ginger Baker. Singles include: My Sweet Lord (#1), What Is Life (#10).

2. Band On The Run - Paul McCartney & Wings (1973): Recorded in Nigeria, this album is Paul's biggest solo album both commercially (three million copies) and critically. There were only three members of Wings at this time, Paul, his wife Linda and Denny Laine (ex Moody Blues). Ginger Baker, formally of Cream, also appears on this record. Actors James Coburn and Christopher Lee (among other celebrities) appear on the album cover. Singles include: Band On The Run (#1), Jet (#7), Helen Wheels (#10).

3. Double Fantasy - John Lennon & Yoko Ono (1980): At three million copies sold this is John Lennon's biggest solo album. Unfortunately most of these copies sold after his murder three weeks after the record's release. This was John's first recording in five years and it won a Grammy for album of the year. Singles Include: Just Like Starting Over (#1), Woman (#2), Watching The Wheels (#30).

4. McCartney - Paul McCartney (1970): Paul's first solo album and the first proper solo album by any of the Beatles. Paul plays all the instruments making it a true "solo" effort. This album sold over two million copies and features the song Maybe I'm Amazed.

5. Imagine - John Lennon (1970): Selling two million copies, this was John's biggest album during his lifetime. Phil Spector produced the record and George Harrison plays guitar on several tracks. The recording of this album was filmed and released as a movie the following year (also called Imagine, later re-titled Gimme Some Truth). The most successful single off Imagine was the title track (#3).

Elvis Presley's Ten Most Successful Films

1. Viva Las Vegas (1964): $5.1 Million. Elvis plays a race car driver in sin city. Ann-Margret co-stars.

2. Blue Hawaii (1961): $4.7 Million. Returning home to Hawaii after a stint in the army, Elvis deals with parents, girls and his future and still has time to sing a song or two.

3. G.I. Blues (1960): $4.3 Million. After leaving the army for real, Elvis makes a movie about, what else, the army.

4. Love Me Tender (1956): $4.2 Million. Elvis' first movie, a western.

5. Jailhouse Rock (1957): $3.9 Million. Elvis goes to jail, learns to become a singer, leaves jail, becomes a singer. Very simple.

6. Loving You (1957): $3.7 Million. An early Elvis film where he plays a character very similar to himself.

7. Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962): $3.6 Million. Elvis returns to Hawaii. More singing, more girls.

8. Girl Happy (1965): $3.1 Million. Elvis spends spring break in Fort Lauderdale. Shelley Fabares co-stars.

9. Roustabout (1964): $3.0 Million. A motorcycle riding daredevil (Elvis) helps to save a struggling carnival. Barbara Stanwyck co-stars.

10. Speedway (1968): $3.0 Million. Another film where Elvis plays a race car driver. Nancy Sinatra and Bill Bixby co-stars.