More Funny One-Liners From TV's Seinfeld

Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

George: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

Elaine: You'd better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg!

Kramer: The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was.

Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.


Elaine: The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.
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Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.

Kramer: How do you like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years.

George: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

Elaine: Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

George: Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.

Funny Jerry Seinfeld Jokes

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV"

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here, they are here to replace us."

"Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."



"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom."

"If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?"

"The four levels of comedy: make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh and make people talk like you because it's so much fun."

"I don't like great restaurants. I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special put them on the menu. I don't want any auditioning foods. When they make the real show, then I will eat them."

"I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular sized and my muscles are huge."

"The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy."